On Breakups & Falling In Love
The first 30 days and the 30 days after it
There’s a huge chunk of my life I don’t talk about. I don't think I ever wrote or talked about my last breakup enough to process what really HAPPENED. I just pre much put it in a box, put the lid, compartmentalised it with a do not touch sign and threw it in the back of my head. That’s how I handle things.
But this time around, I want to get it out there; my way; write; writing what I like to read, writing what I can later read to remind myself (and others... but mostly me tbh) when I am going through it again, that even though it feels like the end of the world it isn’t; remind myself that even though I’m questioning “Gosh how do people do this thing again and again?” I will learn to do it again like I had done this time.
<This is gonna be a live document I will build her over the next 30 days of the "the breakup" phase BUT I also wanna compliment with 30 days of the starting, "the falling" phase from my journal entries. Cause I hate the fact how one bad “thing” has to taint the whole idea of what I think a relationship was cause needless to say we didn't work but she was fun ngl. And I wanna remind myself of that through this.>
1 - The Falling
Ok this is the first time I am going out with this girl I matched with. Ngl I got like imposter syndrome issues, I'm like INF WHAT FUCKING WORLD a girl like that matches with me and is the one that ASKS ME OUT? Like wtf??? Nahh... first in my head, she’s a catfish or smthn. Cause ain't no way someone this fine, and sweet trying to talk to little old me? It all feels so unreal.
1 - The Breaking
Feels like my whole world is tumbling down. It's like I've been washed up in anger, doubts, worries and fears. I don’t know what to do with all these feelings.
2 - The Falling
Well that went good... good is an understatement; like there was no “what should I say next? what should I say next?” Conversation was just flowing like butter. Honestly, it was so refreshing being in a conversation where there wasn't the expectation for the both of us to speak equally. I felt like I could interrupt and be listened to at any time, but I didn't feel the need to. I wanted to listen.
And I think she likes me... but I don’t get it? why? I can’t help but think, what does she see in me? (I really have real low self esteem don’t I?) But still, let’s see where this goes.
2 - The Breaking
I made the right decision, right?
It is for the better... right?
It is. I want it to be.
3 - The Falling
We went on an arcade date and dude! This girl proceeds to kick my butt in every single game we play. Like I am a competitive guy but ngl I love the kind of woman that can kick my ass. She is something...
3 - The Breaking
You repeat to yourself they’re not really gone. That it’s not all over. Cause time has proven that fooling yourself into believing a lie is the most effective way to deal with things you have no control over. It’s a lie; it’s over. I need to constantly remind myself that everything is over and a part of me is gone forever and that is for the better.
Kay4 - The Falling
You know when you’re not sure where this is going, but you’re happy this is happening? Kinda feels like that.
4 - The Breaking
Ok I have been wearing the same hoodie as when I last saw her. It still smells of her. Now that’s just truly pathetic isn’t it? I need to let go.
...Ok I did it. But I don’t wanna wash it yet.
Gosh I hate how pathetic I am sounding to myself right now. I hate myself for what I am becoming right now. I feel disgusting.
Ok, put it in the laundry. Took a shower. Cleared out the long stack of messages and emails I had been ignoring. I can’t afford to let this take over my whole life right now.
5 - The Falling
Gosh I can’t keep up with this amount of texting. I am starting to be so distracted, I need to focus on work. Is it too soon to start daydreaming...? I have these moments where I feel so hopeful and have such a beautiful image of how we could end up in love. I want to hold onto these images. It’s too soon to be thinking about this shit! But I want to believe they could be true. It’s too soon. Well, whatever happens, happens I guess.
5 - The Breaking
The happens has happened. I can’t help but think: what was the point of it all?
Looking back now, it all feels useless, like an unfinished adventure.
6 - The Falling
after I left her house today I was on walking back home with like with the stupidest grin. i felt so scared... but in a good way u know?
6 - The Breaking
I hate the fact that I am still spending every night, staring at my phone, waiting, wishing, and wallowing in silence, going through the photos, overanalysing every single word and text... “was that a sign that things were gonna go wrong?” No no I was the one that cared too hard, not them. And yk you need to purge it all. To attempt to gather up the courage to turn these demons, these constant reminders of your loneliness into nothing but a bad dream.
Went to the beach today. Put all the photos and stuff into my sd card. And I swung it into the ocean (a bit dramatic ik). Had a beer. And just watched the waves go by. For just a brief period I felt me again.
7 - The Falling
Ok this might actually turn into something serious I think... I need to ask myself: do I really want a relationship, do I feel ready to put in the effort?
7 - The Breaking
I might have done something stupid today... well I called my ex... no not this one, the one before it. I know, I am judging me too. God I shouldn't have but I just... I just felt so lonely. Gosh why did I open that door; now all those things are flooding back in too, as if I already wasn't drowning... I wasn't ready to hear that
You know the time when you started talking to someone new to get over your ex but now you have to forget both of them 😃? Please tell me it's not just me alone who makes these stupid life decisions.
8 - The Falling
Leave little comics and thank you notes with your tip and you watch them smile from the window as you get in your bus
8 - The Breaking
You know when someone drunk says something bad to you and then you think... well that's the most fucked up thing someone has said to me, and then in the next 30 mins it is not the "most", cause you have to go handle another drunk someone; and drunk people are really transparent with their feelings. I hate Friday nights. I hate how mean people are when they're drunk.
And then you start questioning that are you really that shitty of a person as people point out you to be? You start talking shit down on yourself whenever possible. My life is shit because I deserve it, right? You must have done something really bad. It's nearly impossible for you to cry now. But then you can drown your feelings in old expired rum. You learn to love the taste of it dripping down your throat. Find comfort in the warmth coming from your stomach. You're drinking bottled love now. You didn't need other people to drive away your loneliness. You just needed to find a way to talk to it.
9- The Falling
Convos with her feel like opening a heavy unlabelled parcel, eagerly, happily... cautiously.
9 - The Breaking
mf I don't need this amount of stimulation in my life. I miss the days when I just went out grabbed my fav ice cream from the store and played club penguin and that was the most interesting point my week.
10 - The Falling
I am a victim of habit, if I look back over the time I have always been.
10 - The Breaking
Well... as if everything emotionally breaking apart wasn't enough, things around me have start to physically break apart too:
the roof went brrr and fell down tonight
It's like every time I ask myself "Oh well, life is going bad rn ik but how worse can it really get from here?" And life gives me that answer.
I have to move into a new flat now in the middle of the night until this gets fixed. Life just can't seem to give me a break without something or the other breaking.
11 - The Falling
I think if you're lucky, you will get to fold towels for the people you care about, and that will be enough.
11 - The Breaking
Yeah, you let somebody in, you know? And then, you make room. Then they go. And yeah, the room’s still there. And it all feels so empty (even moreso now that I have got a 3 bhk flat all to myself until my roof gets fixed). And all the me places in the city that turned into we places that feel weird to visit now. And that one Mob Rich song that turned into our song. I just smile sadly to when it comes up randomly on my spotify shuffle now.
12 - The Falling
12 - The Breaking
I still have those synapses firing when something funny or stupid happens and my first impulse is to text her or when I am cooking something that I remember she liked when I made it for her.
13 - The Falling
I like the daydreaming. Having something to mentally return to. Feeing like your life is full and like you’ve found meaning. Feeling like you mean something to someone other than yourself. Feeling like you bring them peace, love, rest. Feeling valuable. Feeling validated. Feeling like we're, just maybe, building something.
13 - The Breaking
Now I feel like it’s all just eroded like sand under my feet in shallow ocean. Salt. I can't help but wonder did I sabotage it? I was talking w/my sister a few days ago about this and idk but she thinks maybe I’m just one of those people who never allowed any connection to have any potential to grow, because in their head, they have an idea of what they want, which might not be necessarily what they need.
14 - The Falling
I got invited to netflix and chill and on arrival I found out she didn't even have netflix... bruh what kinda scam
14 - The Breaking
It's tempting to only look at the good memories, but memories they come as a whole "because a memory is so much greater than only the good parts".
p.s.-
I do have a tv license btw
15 - The Falling
So apparently we are at the stage where you put emoji next to their contact. Oh well emojis it is.
15 - The Breaking
do I remove the emoji now?
Also made something different today. That felt good ig.
(also on a sidenote stopfuckingcallingmeasoftie guys; third time I’m hearing that. I mean your mom had no trouble getting me hard. And so what if I have been wearing the same sweater she’d got me for the past 3 days, it is because it’s soft & comfy & warm & fluffy & it goes really well with my leather jacket. If one other person points it out atp, i’m gonna go jackshit crazy on them EVERYONE OF Y'ALL DON'T NEED TO POINT IT OUT)
16 - The Falling
lowkey dating is like a second job that you go to and pay for (not complaining, I enjoy making people feel special)
16 - The Breaking
Today was really a good day. I didn't think about her for the most part. Got a lot of work done. Felt really really happy for some reason.
Was talking to a friend today and he asked:
"Do you regret it?"
"I love all my stupid mistakes I had fun."
"But now it's time to start making new stupid mistakes."
17 - The Falling
Sitting in an ASDA parking lot, watching the sunset while talking over wine until the sentences don’t make sense has probably been the most romantic date, like ever. And her voice... it's like perfume, and I guess it starting to get rubbed off on me... where tf is this even coming from?
17 - The Breaking
I've been forgetting to write here daily. And I think that's a good thing.
Looking back I guess some people are meant to fall in love with each other, but not meant to be together. It’s about two people who weren’t right for each other. Ig this happens a lot in your 20s. The maturity to communicate effectively just isn’t there yet for a lot of people. But that's ok. We're all still young and we all get to "figure it out" as we go.
18 - The Falling
We should just sit quietly near a stream and listen.
18 - The Breaking
I still don't think I'm back to the "old me" yet. I wanna go back to my old self. One that existed before all of this. But... is there ever a return to your pre-breakup self or is it a becoming of someone new entirely?
I don’t know if I like the idea of becoming someone I am not familiar with tbh. Will See.
19 - The Falling
subtle intimacy is so soft. knowing someone’s routine and slowly becoming a part of it. memorising favourite food and soups and drink orders. good morning and good night texts and messy paragraphs of love written half asleep. nicknames only you know. just small things.
19 - The Breaking
No I don’t think I wanna be friends. I know if I did I know I’ll start thinking of getting back. Lowkey I know from HS guys who’re friends with their ex’s 5/7 just waiting to get back. I don’t wanna be one of them.
20 - The Falling
your room started to feel a little bit like mine
20 - The Breaking
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa. women. omfg. I wonder sometimes if all women are this difficult, and then I think to myself, hang on, wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual. But ow well, life is an endless series of sufferings and disappointments.
21 - The Falling
I know the fact that the probability of any relationship I enter in now is unlikely gonna be the person I end up marrying with. Nevertheless I wanna be the guy, that raises the bar for any future men in her life, the one that she compares to with other guys. Cause once you’ve been worshipped, begged for, and damn near possessed - you stop entertaining men who “like you”. The real power isn’t in being wanted i’ve realised, it in being unforgettable.
21 - The Random Day
22 - The Falling
you fall hard, you fall fast
22 - The ...
No no no, this can't be happening. Kay... no. You dumbo. You dumb dumb idiot.
Ok no need to worry, this is just probably a phase. It will pass.
23 - The Falling
I think I had protected my heart so much that I had started to hurt it.
Kay23 - The i-have-problems
Kay, I know what you're thinking. No. No.
I have problems. Serious problems.
You've always had an impeccably shit timing for stuff like this coming up, didn't you? Ow well the heart is a funny thing. But still...? Seriously? Just go kys atp, there is no saving you.
24 - The Falling
I don't think one great transcendent love keeps people together but that continual choice and choosing of another flawed person and situation.
24 - The i-am-going-to-hell
There is a special place reserved on the lowest levels of hell for people like me, yk. I mean, is it a good decision? No, probably not. But if you expect good decisions coming from me, that’s a you problem (I haven’t done anything that you should expect good decisions from me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯). I have accepted the fact I am going to hell. I need to take a shower.
25 - The Falling
25 - The fuck-it
...fuck it. Whatever happens, happens. Ok if I am going to do this, I am going to do this the proper way, in the proper order. I need to have a conversation with someone before any of this.
I sometimes find it hard to justify what have I done to deserve all the nice things and the nice people that I have in my life.
26 - The Falling
My 10th grade friend once said, it’s hard to be defensive when someone is touching your hand. Try it… it’s a very powerful, involuntarily vulnerable act.
26 - The tomorrow-and-tomorrow-and-tomorrow
27 - The Falling
I like the act of sending songs to someone. If I send you a song, it is because the music made me think about your, or even deeper, it's helping me explain who I am to you in a way that that I cannot.
27 - The Falling
