On Going To College

Ok this is just a mini-life update to let u folks know that I'm planning to attend to college this fall.

I KNOW I KNOW its crazy right, me going to college? You might not have seen this coming, and I swear you've gotta lot of questions:

Where, Which College, Which Major?
It's BSc in Computer Mumbo Jumbo @ University of Edinburgh, UK.

Why?
And I quote the last words of the poet Francois Rabelais here: "I go to seek a Great Perhaps." (basically i'm a manifest my existential despair of entering my 20s this way)

So is your indefinite hiatus of a Gap Year finally over?
Yep, after almost 2+ yrs. I'm just so sore from creating my own path...

Looking back do you regret taking the Gap Year?
Not at all. It's one of the best bets I took on myself.
Back when HS was about to end I knew that at that point in my life wasn't in the right mindset for college.

I was doing part-time gigs, hating that I had to go to school, almost like a chore I had to do. Meanwhile, during the gigs that I was doing after school, I was building and learning a lot of great things, meeting lots of really cool people. For the first time in I felt seen, and like I had a purpose.

It just was really clear to me what direction I wanted to go after school. And I have absolutely no regret not going to college at that point, in fact I'm very grateful I did take the gap year.

I knew quite a few people who were in the same place I was mentality wise and I saw them rack up a ton of debt not knowing what they want to do yet and kind of barely making their way thru school.

So deciding that I was going to take a break, not knowing how long it was going to be but still, I was working with a lot of great ppl that I was learning a lot from. In fact at some points during this period I really became stern in my mind that I don't need to attend any college and just continue doing what I do.

I mean it was youngblood at that time, what can I say. But lately I feel like I have sorta reached the level where I can finally see myself going into the upper levels of being in this industry and it feel like it just isn't what I want, at least not right now.

I thought this is what I always wanted at some point but the closer I got to that the more I realized that this is not what I really wanted or in fact "needed" now.

What do you mean?
The thing is when you turn your passion into your full-time job the lines start to get really blurry and there comes a time when you feel like you're hitting a wall. I think at some point I just got lost working and paying bills. You can really get lost in this cycle you know.

For a large part of the past 2 years I've been making things out of my parents' basement (hey it's not a secret, I even mention it on my site), and pretty much nothing's changed, and that is in fact the problem, that nothing's changed, and that has been really difficult for me because 1) I was completely alone 2)  it was difficult to see any way forward, I mean I love creating things and building this and that, but that's where the story ends.

And the "alone" part after some point starts getting to you. You can justify it as the good ol' "I'm working on myself" but then... "I am also lonely"

Couple that with the fact almost all my gigs are remote ones and my majority social life happens to be through big black boxes, it feels like the people who know me the best, and are the closest to me emotionally, are the farthest to physically.

To tell you the truth I haven't ever met 90% of the folks I worked with in person ever. And I know it sounds crazy but remote work albeit flexible has it's prices. Moving forward I wanna change this, not completely but maybe, a hybrid format.

I mean as much of an introverted nerdy ass I am, sitting and staring at a black box all-day in my dark cave and then at the end of the day ending up alone, crying and masturbating in the shower isn't ideally what I wanna be doing the next year too.

It's like my whole identity at this point just revolves around my work, which I'm good at btw but, I don't know who I really am outside of my work and maybe I need to take pause, come out of my bubble and figure that out first before going on.

I had to be honest with myself. You know we're all told that in order to achieve success we have to sacrifice some of the relationships in our life but what I'd forgotten was that it's up to me to decide where to draw that line.

So I'm hoping maybe a sandbox environment like college will help me at least get back into the groove and help (or at least force me to) have some semblance of a balance between work and life.

And maybe deep deep deep down (although I don't really wanna accept it) I just wanna be a regular 19 yo for a while. Because for the 4 yr of working, being thrown into big business convos, figuring out taxes, and contracts, building really complex things, all while pretending to "act like an adult" to maybe fit-in with the people I worked with, I sort really became an adult, growing up a bit sooner than I'd liked, and paying the price of losing a huge chunk of my adolescence years of just messing around and getting to do stupid shit.

I know that I can't miss the childhood I never had but still, I do really do miss getting drunk and passing out at 2 am, hotboxing in the car in the winter, falling in love, get my heart broken, driving at 90 down those country lanes... and all these things that I've never even done but still feel a longing for, harking to a world I don't remember and didn't experience but still feel drawn to. And I'll prolly never get to experience all those things if I continue going at this rate.

Then also I feel bad for saying this but I just also wanna get the fuck out from my hometown. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and this place from my skin to my bones but I don't wanna live this way, in this home, all my fucking life...

And then last but not least, maybe I'm doing this for my dad. In all the unconventional paths that I've taken up until now, he has despite of his reservations supported me even if he didn't fully believe in it. And I feel like I owe it to him to at least give him this dream that he had for me since I was a kid. I owe it to him to at least give it a try.

So this is maybe an attempt to start a new chapter in my life.

Aren't glorifying college... I mean you know how it's on ground right? Now I'm not trying to glorify college here too, I'm well aware of the reality. It's not a hot take to say in a lota classes you're not really there to learn but it's more of just to check the box which is kind of how it operates, as we all well know by now. At the face of it you know that you weren't actually going to or needed to expect to learn anything which was a little bit frustrating I accept.

From all I've seen, I know at the end of the day it's up to you to learn about yourself and the things that interest you and things that progress you as a person. I know a lot of people walk into college pursue a path not knowing what the reality of it is gonna look like, but  You got a look at the tradeoffs to

College here, is almost like a cushion that you have that allows you to explore. You don't need to support yourself full-time through creation without expectations of you having to take care of your family.

And at the end of the day, it's not really the "job prospects" of a college degree that I'm going for tbh, although I do accept the fact that credentials help a bit, but at this point, I make a pretty decent living by industry standards doing what I do, I don't really feel like I need a degree, and if I wanted to make more money I'd just go bigger down this path that I'm already on. Instead, it's more the community aspect that I'm after.

So will you be still doing gigs?
With all that said, yes, I'll still be doing the stuff that I do but just a smaller no. of gigs which will slowly allow me to transition a part of what I do into the old rhythm that worked for me, that is, getting do some part of it as a hobby while I am doing my profesh gigs.

I still gotta pay for my school after all. Even though I can take my parent's support here but still these are my expensive dreams and I feel I should be the one to pay for those dreams. I'm a bit of those loner types you see, it's just hard for me to accept support/help or ask for it even if I need it without feeling like a burden. But anyways I feel like I'm in a good position to make this happen on my own.

Even if the money problem was out of the equation, I'll still be working, I mean I just can't not work, I need to create things to survive at this point. It's like a tap that I can't close. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that I prolly wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for my work giving me something to look forward to every day in one of the darkest periods of my life.

How old even are you dude?
I'm 19 turning 20 this Sept. I never thought I would but I feel old going to college now. After interacting with some of the other 17-18 yo's who're going to the same uni, and having conversations with them, I feel like Jame Goodall among the apes and I'm like how TF are these PPL still alive, how have they not died by just pure Darwinism, and I know I was the same a year or two ago but still.

Most of them are seem pretty cool tho... still have that passionate firy young men (the realization that most of their childhood dreams will remain unfulfilled hasn't hit them yet)

bro... so are you really sure about this?
Yeah. It's just that I'd rather try it out this college thingy now than regret trying it out later cauze if I continue to put it off it's just something that will be moving further and further into my future life. So if it works out great! If it doesn't at some point I'll just dropout (knowing me, it's v.v.v. probable that happens).

There's something about not knowing and taking a bet on yourself that kinda creates this narrative suspense that makes it exciting. This craving for having the "unknown" ingredient in your life is something we all crave to some extent.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous or totally confident in this new direction I'm going and if this is the right thing to do. I don't have it all figured out. I'll go and do things as I see, and if it works great! if it doesn't great! This is just to keep me moving cause I wanna run, I wanna fall, I just don't wanna stop ever. This is just me moving forward.

Deep down I have faith that it was going to be a good year ahead. In a way it did feel like I'm putting my career on pause, leaving behind all my creative friends but I know that this is the right move for me this time and college is gonna bring about so many new experiences.

That's all folks <3