On DPD

Uh hey!? If there’s been a considerable gap between this and my last post, just keep in mind this post was delivered straight to your screens by DPD. Even though I started the shipping on the same day as my last post 3 months ago.

Honestly, if you’ve lived a very sheltered life because your parents wanted to protect you from all the horrors of this world and preserve your innocence for as long as they can, you might not know who DPD are. DPD are a France based German delivery company that was founded in 1976, almost 50 years ago AND THEY STILL FUCKING HAVEN’T FIGURED OUT how to deliver parcels correctly.

DPD for those who are wondering, stands for Dynamic Parcel Distribution. Now the definition of “dynamic” is either characterised by "constant change activity or progress". But these guys, they deliver parcels the exact same way they always have, and I refuse to believe they've changed ever since they launched. And the other definition is “positive in attitude” and “full of energy and new ideas” and let me tell you, no one, absolutely NO ONE even thinks about DPD in a positive way at all. They also have the stupidest looking vans.

I should probably explain why the hell i'm ranting about DPD in the first place. Ok so this all started a couple of days ago when I got an email from DPD that my parcel was ready for pickup and I needed to come and collect it. The place was a 1hr bus ride AND a 23 min walk. I was like ow well fuck it no point complaining. It’s DPD what else could I expect?

Went there. Could find the entrance gate at first, then I noticed the lil buzzer. Pressed it. Guy told me to wait outside while he finds the parcel. 20 min goes in, he comes back to the lady beside me in the parking lot. The old lady goes in saying "Okk kiddo, dw I'll figure it out for you real quick". I'm like "FINALLY". 20 mins pass by. Intercom buzzed. Lady says there's some tech issue, and it wasn't updated properly and APPARENTLY my parcel is available for pickup from the co-op 2 mins away from my home. Buzzer cuts right off. I'm standing there staring, contemplating my life.

I was tired. I was cold. I was hungry. Took the 23 min walk back to the remote bus stop at a highway, in the middle of nowhere. First bus, goes off. Doesn't stop. I'm like, fuck, maybe I gotta shake my hand and shit. 2nd bus. Me vigorously shaking my hand. Bus just passes. I'm left still vigorously shaking my hand. Phone has died. Third bus rolled around. I shake my hand with all the little life left in me. Hand bouta fall off. Bus stops. I'm like "FINALLY". 20 mins in I notice the bus is entering the airport. I'm like “...I don't think the airport is where I live... AM I ON THE WRONG FUCKING BUS?!" I ask myself softly as I calmly contemplate every life decision that has led me to this point.

Now, I'm really tired. I'm really cold. I'm really hungry. I get off at the airport. I can’t have it anymore. I grab an overpriced burger from a mc'd nearby. I sit on a mound outside as I eat my sad soggy burger, watch the planes fly by and contemplate my life real fucking hard. Finish my burger. Get on the right bus, "FINALLY" and think "gosh the day couldn't have been worse".... baby starts crying behind me. The whole way. Now at this point I'm discovering levels of how loud a baby crying can get. I'm honestly full of wonder and amazement at how such a tiny thing, can produce this much sound. Like seriously.

I get off. Walk to the co-op. Get my 10kg parcel. Parcel is overtly packed to make it bulkier. Some people stare as I carry that parcel back struggling to find grip on it. By the time I carry that parcel 3 flights of stairs, I have full blown existential crisis. "Wtf am I really doing with my life, like seriously? Is this gonna be it?" I can feel the burger coming up and my hands cramping as I decide to myself...

I will hate DPD.
I will hate them for all my life.
I will hate them with all that hate I got.
I will hate them vehemently.

DPD sucks
DPD sucks pond water
Fuck DPD!

Yeah well... just needed to vent a bit, and get that hate out of my system.

Btw for an update, uni has started, some stuff had happened in august that had left me... well “left”, left on my bed like a giant walrus all night trying to get comfortable and I was physically incapable of enjoying doing anything for a while. Anyhow I’ve picked up the pen now, and my shit, and am back on the grind! New posts every saturday. Let’s see how long I keep that up for.