On it's messy

“Why am I feeling so shit lately?” “Was it such a huge deal?” “Have I experiencing something so damaging that it’s making me feel this way?” “am I just dramatising it all in my head? I mean like other people said... what did I honestly expect out of it?” “is it about that, or something fundamentally deeper that I can't seem to get the hang of?” those are the questions that I’ve been asking myself daily because while the rest of the world goes on with their lives, like everyone else has it all together, I remain in the same place as I was, or worse, back to square one.

Couple break up, our friends disappoint us, people come and go, and no one is new to these types of situations, neither do I. In fact, I probably have gone through more than my fare share of them this year it seems. But then why does it hurt so much every time it happens? Why am I not used to it? I have no idea.

What I remember is, the intense highs, always intense (idk why everything is so intense when it comes to me); experienced before it turned into sadness, the hopes that were being lifted high before they crashed down hard on to the ground of disappointment. 0 to 100 to 0 again; real quick. Those feelings came to my way over and over when I haven’t healed or made peace with what had come before. I was all over the place, I lost my grip to reality, I lost sight of myself and now I’m easily dragged back to each hurtful feeling I felt back then.

>Maybe I am meant to be alone? Maybe that’s better than the alternative of feeling shit like this every time this happens.
>I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
>In what way?
>Don’t know why I can’t make people love me. I think there was something wrong with me when I was born.
>Sometimes i think people think that I am damaged. Secretly, I am afraid nobody wants me.

Everything is pretty much calmer on the outside right now, I can always keep it calmer on the outside, but not for the mind and the heart, they haven’t rested once. I still feel all over the place because I know that, or I feel that, I am broken. The wounds are still fresh and I’m consumed by memories from the past continuously. I can pretend everything is fine, I feel like that’s all I am good at, pretending (I think if i pretend hard enough, I’ll actually be) Idk man it kinda feels like my heart has been shattered so many times that it can feel as though it would forever remain broken. I don’t feel okay. And yet I know it will be okay. Like every. other. time. But that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t feel okay.

I need to go on a walk, a long long long walk, I am too much in my head these days.

This healing business is downright messy.