On Mom

Dreamed that my mom was gone. I think she passed away but everyone hid it from me. I was searching for her in a frenzy, I was searching for her in every room. I still couldn't find her. And I started to break down as I continue to look more and more. Then I woke up.

I hate those dreams. I had them since I was a kid. I still do at times; less now than I used to. I think growing up in a family where one of your parents had deep struggles with mental health and you come home from school wondering if you’ll see them or not, one starts to see their parents as mortal beings, how this pillar you so rely on, could just as easily disappear anytime.

I don’t know how fucked up it is, but I remember it got so bad up to the point where I would daydream as a kid, about what life would be if they were gone. How I would survive, which relative would we have to live with, what would happen of me and my sister and so on (which, looking back, I think is part of the reason why I am so independent; and don’t like lying rely on people, even when it comes to my parents for relying on paying my tution fees and things like that)

Last night when I woke up from a similar dream, I thought about what my mom said to me when I was home over the summer and she was talking about the passing of my nana, “if your parents are still alive—even if it’s only one of them—you’ll always feel like a child. You’re entitled to the feeling. But once they’re both gone, you can never come home again. there's no more comfort or protection, only somewhere for you to disappear into.”

I think no one really worries about you like your mother does, and when she is gone, the world will seem unsafe, things happen unwieldy. You can’t turn to her anymore, and it’ll actually change your life forever man... I mean no one on earth knew you from the day you were born; who knew why you cried, or when you'd had enough food... who knew exactly what to say when you were hurting, and who encouraged you to grow a good heart. When that layer goes, whatever is left of your childhood goes with her.

I remember recently searching for my next read and I was randomly flipping through this book called East of Eden by John Steinbeck and I stumbled upon this line which hit me:

“When a child first catches adults out – when it first walks into his grave little head that adults do not always have divine intelligence, that their judgments are not always wise, their thinking true, their sentences just – his world falls into panic desolation. The gods are fallen and all safety gone. And there is one sure thing about the fall of gods: they do not fall a little; they crash and shatter or sink deeply into green muck. It is a tedious job to build them up again; they never quite shine. And the child's world is never quite whole again. It is an aching kind of growing.”

I had recently started going to therapy (using the coupons which one of my ex-boss gave to me on my birthday; which is another level fucked up I know)(I mean did I really look like THAT in need of it?!? ow well) anyhow I was talking to her about this and she gave me this exercise to write a thank you note to my mom, which gave me a lot of closure:

Thank you mom for being the best mother you knew how to be. I know when I was younger I wasn’t much of help in what you went through. I really tried to; I just didn’t know how. I wanted you to know you were the strongest person I knew growing up, 'cause I mean damn it must have hurt having been through what you did.

I know I don’t see you these days as much as I used to but if I did I’ll tell you how I love you a million times (even though I know how I don’t say that out loud enough). I will always try to honour you by giving myself the love, care, and attention you wished you were able to provide and always wanted me to have. If someone pushes me down, thanks to you I’ll always know my worth and learn to stand up for myself and remember the lessons you’ve taught me. I know that even if I try I’ll never be half the man you wanted me to be. But I’ll try. I swear I’ll try.

Thank you mom,
for everything <3

I think in loving myself, being good to myself, honoring myself, practicing what she taught me, I am also honoring a part of her that exists within me. You know I see a lot of people having been through a tough childhood, and becoming bitter to their parents for it; I don’t thinks that’s the point. It isn’t forgetting or justifying the hurt and pain they’ve caused, but it is freeing yourself from allowing that pain to hold you a prisoner.

I like it when my mom smiles. And I especially like it when I make her smile.

So just today, maybe finally call your mom and try and make her smile a lil

Fin.