On Big Fights
Real intimacy will kick up your fears and insecurities like never before.
Something my therapist said to me a few months back that has stuck with me:
"But why do you think that those big fights and breaks you talk about signal that the relationship is falling apart? Sometimes they signal that you’re working hard to reach a new level of intimacy... both of you are daring to show your worst selves, because you subconsciously suspect that those worst selves are not worthy of love.
So Kay start there: You are worthy of love, big flaws and all, even if you don’t think so, and so is she. You’re here to teach each other how to grow. You’re here to learn about how to experience joy, in the moment, together. You’re here to learn how to move past that polite, agreeable, arm’s length relationship and experience a deeper level of intimacy and trust together.
Of course that’s going to feel threatening at first. Of course you’ll both panic at times. This is how it looks when two people are working hard to stay present, to open up, to be vulnerable, to love with all of their hearts. Be patient with yourself and her. You’re learning. You don’t need to follow a complicated rule book to fix this. You just have to stay as calm as you can, keep forgiving yourselves, and keep showing up."
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