On Consistency

I'm like I'm interested in growing again and it's actually not I mean I don't want to be in that cycle forever. I want consistency. I crave a more consistent relationship with myself rather than diving head first into these deep periods of healing and then these deep self-destructive periods. I intend to build a relationship with myself that is so much much more substantial for the long run and I can carry it through my life with me on my back on my shoulders rather than having it be like the only thing that is in my life at one time. Like I don't think my relationship with me with myself should ever be so awe-consuming that I can only focus on that because that is not sustainable. I really want to have a good steady relationship with myself that like always encompasses growth but never to the point where I'm exhausted with it. And that, a lot of making that possible means I have to start like forgiving myself for not being perfect and allowing myself to indulge in unhealthy things and then grow from them gently because like I tend to indulge in the worst thing ever and then grow from it astronomically deeply. Like I will sit in the bad feeling that the bad thing gave me for so long until I am so sure that I've learned every possible lesson from it. Like something happened in one of my past relationships was so bad and I sat in the misery from it for so long um because I was so terrified that if I didn't learn every possible lesson that there was from it, even if it wasn't I who made that mistake, but it somehow happened bc of me and that not only was I a bad person but that it was going to happen again. And then moving on from it I had to just like develop a trust in myself that like you made that mistake you made the mistake to trust someone who wasn't worth trusting you're not gonna make that same level of mistake again. And like also you're not a bad person if you make a mistake and you don't learn from it the first time: you are literally just a person. And like my mistakes frequently hurt a lot of people other than myself,,, anyway but I feel like I actually had a genuine belief that I didn't deserve to take up space in the world unless I was earning that space by bettering myself which is bollocks like it's actually bollocks and I've just been reflecting on like the ways that I used to be ever since I've...