On Contained

No Kay, I don’t think that will work.

I feel i’ve become impatient lately. impatient and weary. which tbh is not the bestest of combinations. I want things instantly, but I do not have it in me to raise my palms and receive them.

Yk some time ago I dated someone who at that point was going through a phase. Those phases where you’re just constitutionally incapable of being happy you know? And because I loved her. I wanted to make her happy. But well... lets jus say that she couldn’t accept me for the way I was. I thought if I changed myself we could be happy together. and she was like: No Kay, I don’t think that will work.

Looking back at that period I feel like even though I was trying to be kind and patient and undestanding and wanting to help fix things. I was basically a lost child trying to fix something I clearly could not. and was not mine to fix in the first place

Though I still don’t agree with my ex about, well, almost anything, and I will admit sometimes I just disagree to trigger them, im now slowly starting to realize she was right about me. I can’t be demarcated, I can’t be contained, and I respond extremely poorly to attempts to contain me. I have an innate tendency to push the limits of what is. At times I’m frequently embarrassed by my own wildness. like fuck THAT guy is me?

It’s taken me a long time for me to start eating my own shadow. I think I finally understand what confidence is now... it is when your are able to see yourself as a flawed person and still hold yourself in high regard. But the thing that made it possible for me the most, ofc, was being seen and still being loved. though well... I don’t like to, or more like, don’t let myself, be seen.

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