On Crushes

So I was recently going through my old journal enteries and found some about the days I had a huge crush on this girl and that got me thinking about all the crushes I've had in my life.

Ohk so we're going there today!

So firstly I will say this, I wish there was another word for “crush” because the word just makes me feel like a dumb 13yo who's in junior high and just hit puberty, which is obviously NOT helpful to the situation... because having a crush is already so weird. Am I right? Who can fix this for us?!? We need a new word!

I don't think that I had a lot of crushes growing up, I can probably count the number on one hand.

1. So well there was, her, the first one, who you obviously just a friend that you spent a lot of time with, and you never viewed her that way... until you did (oh those bloody goddam hormones kickin' in)
2. Then there was her. A new city, a new school, and a girl showed the slightest bit of interest & kindness in me and I fall for her... obviously.
3. Then oh yeah her, next roll number, sat beside to her pass all the exams, and helped her cheat (oh I was played for a fool). She was out-of-my-league-hot tho, but then she could be mean, as in, brutally honest at times without knowing it... and that doesn't help if you were in your fat-head phase then. Cause I mean the criticism is all constructive but at the end of the day when a bitch calls you fat, she means it. And it hurts. It was then that I learnt that "Loneliness is not the scarcity of people. Loneliness is when hot people don't wanna be with you."
4. And then there was HER, obviously, the girl that sat behind me for a whole year. Oh she was so bubbly, and awkward sometimes but that's what I liked about her, and when I made her laugh it was so fucking adorable when she lost her composure. But then I never did make a move, mostly cause I was too much of a socially inept coward with v.low-self esteem back then to do anything about it... and the next year she basically moved to a different school so...

AND then there was this last one. Oh boy, this was an intense crush. It happened about a year and a half ago. High school had finished a few months ago, and I had embarked on my Gap Year, had also started exercising and got in shape, got some decent clothes, somehow got a summer job at a tech startup and started seeing some form of early career success... basically after a very long time I started feeling good about myself.

So around that time, I just slipped out of home to a friend's brother's wedding and there I met this girl. Since there was pretty much nobody else we both knew there we got to talking. Chatting into the midnight about life and pre much everything under the sun till 5 in the morning.

Although I hate encountering chatty people that entrap you at weddings, I was much to my own surprise, was enjoying myself. I like most quiet folks, liked talkative people when they're willing to do the talking themselves and I'm not expected to keep my end of it. Although I found it rather difficult to keep up, but I kind of liked her chatter. I kind of liked her.

A youthful yearning sent ripples through my body. I mean she was quite physically attractive with an adorable face and killer smile, she had that warm kind of beauty that felt like a summer sunlight on the face... like if I get too close I'll smudge it.
And as we talked more, as I talked more, and as I listened more, I felt this intense connection. In a really long time I felt understood and heard. It's as if she really saw me and that was quite intoxicating.

I just realized at that moment "oh fuck I've got a crush! oh shit!".

You know when you have a crush, it is simultaneously the best and the worst thing ever. It’s the best because you are all up in that infatuated-everything-is-glowing stage. The can’t-eat-can’t-sleep cliché business is a cliché for a reason, because it is TRUE. There is this weird and magical thing that takes over your body. And your brain. How is it possible to think of someone so often? How is it that everything you see reminds you of that person? The inside jokes, the last time you were with them — but really, how is it possible to think of someone that often?

It felt as if she seemed the closest I would ever get to knowing a perfect person. It wasn't the regular ol' "you give me butterflies feeling" crush, it was the "you feel like home" crush.

So as the sun was coming up I reminded myself that I gotta hurry and make a move. I should prolly ask for her no. It is totally ok to ask a girl's no. if you just had a 5-hour convo with her at midnight... right? I remind myself that I'm never going to see that person again And have nothing to loose other than my self-esteem, which is already non-existent.

As I was saying having a crush is also the worst for this reason: What if the person you have a crush on does not have a crush on you back? You are all lost in La-La Dream Land, and the other person is like: “Yeah, he cool.” But actually not interested and not aware that you are harboring such “crushing” feelings. This is terrifying. Just absolutely terrifying. And it’s vulnerable. I feel so exposed. I hate being in positions of weakness. I hate the thought of being hurt...of being, sorry, crushed. Especially when I have been many times before. It’s awful. Rejection is THE WORST.

But yeah I did get her number and yeah I did have the stupidest grin on my face when I was getting it and yeah I did get home and couldn't stop thinking about her and yeah it did drive me nuts cause that kind of stuff almost never happens to me and I don't know how to handle it. I wanted to drunk text her even when I was sober at random times the next day but then I reminded myself that probably it's not a good idea. I even tried my guy friend's advice: "Bro just watch some porn na" and surprisingly that too didn't work.

If I’m honest, when I have a crush, I usually try to shut it down in my mind. I keep telling myself the other person is not interested. Why would they ever be interested in me? I keep playing the past failed relationships and rejections in my mind. Anybody with me? I know these are lies, but this is what I’m fighting. The lie that says I’m not good enough and I’m not worth loving or being pursued. But I’m working on exposing those lies and not believing them.

Was she even into me? TBH I'm [takes a peep down the pants] a guy and I can't tell that for shit! You can't really be too sure if you had a 5-hour convo in the middle of the night with a girl... she could just be trying to be polite and not abandon a conversation right? I think the only way I'll ever know if someone has a crush on me is if you come to my face and scream "I HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU!". And then too you can't really be too sure, I mean, she could just be given a dare by her friends to do that or it might be some kind of a youtube prank right?

But yeah we did chat for a few months after that, and maybe there was something, but then there was also the mutual comprehension of the fact that we were heading towards different paths in our own separate lives and neither of us had the time or energy to focus on "this"... so yeah it kinda died down after a few months. But still, I haven't forgotten her through the years.

I think it’s tough because I do really want a relationship. I want someone awesome in my life. I don’t think I’m picky, but I have had some really, REALLY, amazing people in my life. The bar has been set high for who I let into my life and who I make time for. So, it’s hard when you find someone that genuinely interests you because it feels so rare. Like finding a gem in a pile of rocks. Or a unicorn. A Crush.

Fin.