On Holding onto stuff
as if it was proof...
"Oh yeah I think I have let go" I said and then as I was walking through my house and I saw the {REDACTED}. "Have I though? Like completely?"
I find myself wanting to hold onto the {REDACTED}, and {REDACTED} and all these things the way you'd onto a love letter, these things as if they were a proof... proof that I could fall in love, proof that I could do all those things, proof that the thing I thought would never happen but always wanted to happen did actually end up happening, proof that someone saw me, proof that someone loved me, proof that I wasn't actually "emotionally unavailable" it was just the wrong person, proof that I was capable of being loved and loving, proof that I had not always been completely alone in the world.
But I think... I am also holding on to the loss, to the emptiness of this house itself, as though to affirm that it was better to be alone than to be stuck with people who were supposed to {REDACTED} you, yet couldn't.
I think I no longer need to hold onto these proofs. I don't need proofs to know all that. I know. I inherently know. And that knowing is enough.
Maybe it's time,
Kay.
P.S. - After some thinking I think I'll be dialing down the daily posting.