On the could-have-beens

I was just reading this book called "The Book Of Disquiet" by Fernando Pessoa and I stumbled onto this quote and it seemed so apt for what I have been feeling & thinking atm:

The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd – The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.”

I feel like despite all my psychological shortcomings, glitches and tics, I don’t live with a lot of regrets. I understand that the consequential decisions– good and bad– that I have made in my life were my decisions and were made with the belief that I had the best information available in making those decisions. Of course, I was wrong in some cases, but that doesn’t change the fact that I accept the blame and responsibility for the results that came from my decisions. 

I am here now and that’s all that matters. 

Spending too much time on what ifs and what could have beens seems like a giant waste of time and energy. And the amount of time and energy I wasted early during my {REDACTED} in life might be the main regret I have when looking back. So why waste more looking back and fretting over it?

But I have to admit that I do look back. And I'm realising it’s not out of remorse or nostalgia even. It’s more out of curiosity... to discover the patterns and flows that brought me to this point. I find it absolutely facinating how you can only connect the dots looking backwards. To observe and learn from the dots, the ex-periences, the lessons, the fuck-ups that are undoubtedly there so that I don’t repeat the mistakes and can possibly build on the successes.

And to try to figure out where I came from and who and what I am and where I wanna be.

That is, of course, my perspective on the past. It’s based on my own life and experiences. Your own experiences might draw you closer to the past, might fill you with more regrets and remorse for what has taken place in that past. We all deal with the world and our place in it in our own way and if revisiting your past fills your days, it is not my place to tell you to not do that. That is your decision. 

But as I have been advised and would advice you the same to try to live at least equally in the present time, trying to leave the traumas behind and to learn some lesson from that past to bring forward with you to make your future days more livble. 

Everything in your life that has happened until now has brought you to this eternal sunset of who and where and with who you are atm.

You are here NOW.