On You
this could be the last time that I refer to you as “you”. I can feel it now slipping further and further away.
“y” “o” “u” three simple letter, i’ve always loved this pronoun, how these three letters signaled the entirety of my world at one point. How everyone, somehow, has a you, recalls a name or face. As I’m writing this I can feel this could be the last time that I refer to you as “you”. I can feel it now, slipping further and further away.
Well - I was moving some stuff lately and I chanced upon my journal from then. I found a note called "how to describe you to the people who will come after you”. ik it’s a weird conversation I’ve gone over a few times in my head. I’m a weird guy, I do weird things. I’m not really sure what the point of the exercise was... to assert my boundaries with someone else? ...or to marinade in my gratitude for you? Maybe both.
I’ve had the closest thing to a night out of town. A while ago I drank half a bottle of wine at 2am and decided to throw on my coat and take a night bus to a good distance from the city to the ourskirts where it’s nothing but the rolling hills, the farm houses and me, no other person in sight at that time.
As I walk peacefully in the night down the gravel roads looking at all of the stars. The universe looked so big & bright that night. I laid in the grass by the road and just at the night sky for an hour just thinking. The world seemed to stop, and it felt like I was the only person on the planet. I’ve been lately found myself wishing I could go back to that night...
Idk why I’ve been feeling a bit agitated lately. I was looking in the mirror. I was brushing my teeth and remembering your blue toothbrush and how you once had the same blue Oral B one as mine. I don’t think about you a lot like I used to but right now I’m wondering where you are, if you got into {REDACTED}, if your hair is longer and mostly if you’re okay. I want to reach out to you and tell you everything I’m writing cus ow well... I’m a damned romantic and all but I don’t know whats the use. Do you still read my blog? idk I kinda hope you do... is it selfish to want to let you know where I’m at and what you did for me? I don’t even want a reply (it would be better if you didn’t); I just want you to know... for some strange reason that I can’t understand.
Yk when I think of you now, I’m just so grateful that you crossed my path at all, that you awakened something dead in me that has been alive since and I hope I can always carry forward. I’m not sure if your memories of me have soured or if you feel the same way but I hope that you do.
When I think of you now, I'm just so grateful that you crossed my path at all, that you awakened something in me that I hope I can always carry forward. I'm not sure if your memories of me have soured or if you feel the same way but I hope that you do.
It sounds strange to say, and maybe it’s not really my place to say it but... I don't want to do you wrong with the next one. What I mean is that there will be opportunities in your life to settle, to give in, to accept far less than you deserve. And I just have the feeling right now that it would be such a disservice to you and the us back then to step back from {REDACTED} like that. When it comes to some things ik i’m erratic as hell, I can tell you that, but it’s the one thing knowing that {REDACTED} that grounds me for a moment. Otherwise everything that happened between us would be a waste, and that would be the ultimate shame.