On Implosion Of Responsibility

I am my dream - Dec 2 journal

The Pressure Builds
The past couple weeks have elevated my stress to unsustainable levels… what began as a challenging vision to work while studying and pay my own way though uni was feeling more like an implosion of responsibility.

The harder I worked, the more recognition and encouragement I got, which widened the scope of my responsibility, which meant I needed to work harder. The emotional oscillations and different views I was given by my profesh work buddies in the field only fueled the flames of my anxiety. One day I was being told “you’re really building something great here, this looks like such a fascinatingly unique digital experience Kay” the next I was told, “I can’t imagine this hasn’t already been done, it doesn’t seem like anything you’ve done here is really that difficult or unusual.” It was like some military exercise to break people down and bring them closer together… except I was alone, by myself every day, working harder so I could work harder-er to hit those tighter deadlines

All the while I was watching other people going out for parties and stuff and I was asking, “am I going to regret this? Am I going to be working this hard for the next 4 years and miss out on the “college experience”? What if this fails, then I will have missed the most precious moments of my college life?” Then I would remind myself that I carve out one hour each day, and some time during weekends to spend for that, I’m making time for this… this is just my mindset spiraling me into deeper places of self-doubt…. so why do I feel so anxious? I can’t out from under this mountain of responsibility.

People kept telling me I looked tired, which from their perspective was a way to express concern and voice that they cared about me. I of course took it as unbridled inconsideration, so I felt more distant from the few people I was in contact with… stop telling me how fucking tired I look. I was recently joking with someone this morning that Ryanair was going to charge me $150 to fly because my bags wouldn’t fit in the overhead bin. What was strange is that I was getting 7 hours a night because I knew this was going to be a long haul… Why do I look so tired? it’s gotta be my body’s manifestation of the stress… so much responsibility.

pressure

I am My Dream
Today I was looking up at the stack of responsibility that had accrued over the week — balancing squarely on the tips of my clavicle and out of sight behind my brow-line — I need to write that design feedback for the new UI pages, how long is it going to take to code up a website theming system?, I need to review code contributions on the backend logic for the staking system, shit I haven’t even finalized what I’m gonna say for today’s meet and what are the made-up project updates going to look like…

I can keep going… I can push harder… I’ve got lots of fight left.

Then I was struck by a deep moment of introspection; I began to ask myself questions to try to really get the root of what was going on, I just felt so unsettled and stressed out, so I began to ask myself:

Am I ok financially? check. What would I like to do professionally if I had my dream job? I’d create an opportunity that blends my deep moral compass with diverse, intellectual challenges while having the opportunity to lead building a product and weave my own creative fabric into the development. Oh, right, check. How’s relationships? I am in a deeply fulfilling relationships with my friends and family which continue to evolve and expand each day. check.

So if could have my life look any way I want, what would it look like? It would exactly as it looks right now. Sure I’d have $150K in revenues instead of just signing up 2 client this year… but then I’d be doing less of the creative work, less of the coding — what I’m experiencing right now in the development of my company is only temporary. What’s more, I’m certain that I will look back on these times as the “Caps for Sale” protagonist with great fondness. In fact, I am exactly where I want to be in every part of my life.

The moment I had that realisation, a wave gratitude washed over me, and the tide receding back into my ocean of being left an unmistakable sensation…calm. A deep, centered calm. And in that stillness came complete clarity.

I could ask for nothing more than to create, with my hands, tiny shards of beauty that make the world a more open and genuine place (yes that’s how I feel about coding, please gag silently). This moment is filled with opportunity, not responsibility. I don’t have to do this… my life is exactly as I would dream it. I am my dream… I am my dream.

serene

Like Watuh
After feeling a deep sense of contentment and peace, I got back to work. But it didn’t feel the same. Suddenly a road block: Pushing my local branches to multiple repos seems to have broken my version control. Normally I’d feel “the stack” bear down on me as this meaningless road bump took me off of a high priority task, but instead I thought, “how exciting I get to understand vc a little bit better, what a special time” and the calm persisted.

Several similar experiences occurred with the same response — embrace the opportunity… step back for perspective … drink this in … I could ask for nothing more… be grateful for this moment… doing exactly what you want to be doing.

Today, I feel a deep sense of fulfillment, happiness, and ease. Today, I am my dream.