On solitude
Reflections on the loneliest year of my life
2022 was one of the loneliest years of my life. And I fucking loved every single second of it.
I had a lot of presuppositions about this "modern loner lifestyle" until life happened and threw me into the exact same situation I did not want to be in. And well honestly looking back I don't think there was anything negative about this year.
Eating alone isn't called sad it's called having a good affordable meal.
Watching another day, another sunset pass by from the stillness of my room was still a bit mildly anxiety-provoking but you slowly learn to find solace in pancakes and find joy in the simple pleasures of watching daffy duck.
Taking myself on dates isn't lonely. Movies are better when watching alone anyways.
Writing letters to your future self isn't as depressing as I thought it'd be. It's actually quite a lowkey cute and wholesome thing that I wished I had started doing earlier.
Putting the records on & playing your favourite songs and just swaying solo at the end of the workday still feels the same, maybe even better. Turns out you dance the best and find your best moves when no one is watching.
There's a certain joy in trying to bake cupcakes for the second-teenth time and failing miserably.
Years like these teach you a lot of things...
It teaches you to be your own best friend, to love yourself unconditionally and respect yourself and take care of yourself in ways you haven't before.
In the midst of eating alone, sleeping alone, crying alone, masturbating in the shower alone, and taking out yourself on dates you learn about yourself, you grow, you figure out what inspires you, you curate your own dreams your own beliefs your own stunning clarity. You fall. You learn to pick yourself up every time you fall. You learn that you are codependent and that you have issues that you need to work on. You learn that you have so much to learn and be educated about. You learn that you still to this day tie shoelaces incorrectly and there's a better way of tying them. You unlearn and you learn.
I know this all sounds more cheesy than the mac’n’cheese with extra cheese that’s on the way but I hope when you had a year like I did this year where you just are asphyxiated with periods with yourself you might realise that maybe it isn’t all that bad maybe it can be one of the beautiful things that might have happened to you and that you might learn a thing or two about yourself that might surprise you like the fact that you actually like pineapple pizza and it isn't as bad as you thought it'd be.
Fin.