On feeling unforgivable.

So I just recently finished binging Euphoria's season 1 and lemme tell ya bois it's hard life being an american teenager these days!

Even though I wouldn't say this show was the best depiction of a teenage drama I have ever seen, but still, as far-fetched as some situations in the show might seem, essentially everything shown was incredibly accurate.

As someone who never went to a high school party, never did drugs and hung with the "right" crowd, it may seem surprising that I would say something like this. But, to be honest, even despite my unusually sheltered lifestyle, I saw glimpses, like in disconnected images that flashed through my years in high school while I was stuck sweating my dick off studying for finals and preparing for college.

I think it was the Episode 0: "Trouble Don't Always Last" that crushed me the most with its intense emotional banter exchange between Ali and Rue, and chucked me into the sea of adult feelings which I wasn't all prepared for-- particularly the whole itsy bitsy about "thinking you're unforgivable". Here's a cutdown spoiler-free version of it in case you still haven't watched it for reference-

"...but the more you believe that you're unforgivable, the sicker it makes you, because every time you do something unforgivable you think "why change? I'm just a piece of shit I better keep going. What's the difference now? Without realising that forgiveness is the key to change...

but you did and you punishment that you've given yourself is that you are beyond forgiveness. That punishment is way too harsh and way too easy. It allows you to keep doing exactly what you're doing without changing because you deserve it.

There's no hope, no room for forgiveness so you may as well just fuck the fuck off forever and go down the gutter because that's what this girl, this piece of shit deserves...

and that's why the world keeps getting worse bc PPL keep doing unforgivable shit and then decide there's no reason to change. So now you've got a whole bunch of people who don't give a fuck about redemption. That's scary"

I mean damn that was some deep shit right there.

Certainly, for me there were a lot of points in my life when I strongly felt about myself: that I was an unforgivable piece of shit at times. I don't know why I felt that way but I just did and maybe still do at times.

I think it's just worth reflecting here how sometimes we can get so attached to certain toxic storylines about our self-esteem and how hard sometimes it can be to get rid of them, or hell, even know that you're caught in one.

Even though we might not like that particular storyline and the thoughts that arise, and the way they make us feel about ourselves... we kind of don't know how else to be.

It's as though we've experienced that feeling, that storyline for so fucking long that we kind of don't even know how else to be. It's almost as if we are a little attached to it for this very reason.

That's kinda strange because we don't like it, we don't like the way it makes us feel and yet we really don't want to let go of it, because we don't know what else exists.

Almost like Rue who is like a butterfly trying to escape her cocoon, but always falling back in there, stuck, wishing for freedom, not just physically, but also mentally and emotionally.

It definitely takes a lot of work in realizing that what we're going through could just be the struggle of all human beings- living up to their belief system and then building that little bit of confidence around the fact that actually, we're ok without those thoughts, we're okay not feeling bad about ourselves, we can exist outside of that storyline.

It's actually crazy how that sounds! But I guess that's how the mind works...

This month's movie recommendation

About a boy: Okay I have to admit here, I am a sucker for anything Hugh Grant. When I walked in to watch I thought it would be on the same romcom boat like his earlier like Two Weeks Notice, Notting Hill, 4 weddings... but let me tell you this is different gravy although it did end with the end like some family-friendly Christmas presentation cliche, without that being truly forced, and like the one's you actually rewatch with you fam on Christmas!

Music recommendations

• This month's bathroom song
• This absolutely perfecto recommendation from Nathaniel Drew's newsletter
• This v.v.v. weird rap song that I found here and can't get out of my mind
• There's always some room for some Beyonce classics